she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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