He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
