Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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