My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
