frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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