no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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