I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
