the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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