I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
