i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
