he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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