The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
