I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
