just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
