he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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