Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
