This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
