Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
