Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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