Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
