You're my little dorito
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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