There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize