Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My vagina is very pro this idea
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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