I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
