I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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