apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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