you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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