On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
