Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
