Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize