When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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