Need sex. Gaining weight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
