I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
