Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize