I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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