So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
