ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
