Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
