she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize