I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
