I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
