I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
why do cheetos always look like penises
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
