and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
ok first of all what the fuck
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