You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
