Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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