Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
