I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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