i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
