I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
