Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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