He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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