Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
