Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I pour the whiskey from now on
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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