youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Even my vagina gasped.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
