Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
smell my finger.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
