these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
