i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
