I want to walk on stilts...naked
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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