She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
